a little piece of mind.

wash, rinse, repeat.

it’s interesting to witness how things can transform from one wonderful aspect to the complete opposite in such a short period of time. anything from courtships to friendships and all grounds in between. every word, every person, every fucking thing is temporary.

but sometimes life grants us a moment of utter bliss. that stretch of time where it seems like nothing can shake us and we actually feel strong. feels as though we are gliding upon ice. meanwhile, the beauty of the sun’s rays kissing the surface sends us into a blinding daze. too distracted to notice the problems trailing beneath the ice, we begin to believe they simply don’t exist anymore. that is until we stumble upon what is to be believed an insignificant little fracture on this path. but we are capable of shaking off that tiny rough spot and continue on our way. unbeknownst to us most of the time, the pressure of that little spill causes an impact deep below. slowly but surely, you’ll eventually find yourself desperately trying to survive the ice collapsing around you. a reunion for you and the problems you’ve pushed under. a rush of ice cold water gaining close behind and you realize it’s time to stop running.

embrace yourselves. that temporary happiness is going to fade along with the comfortable temperature of your body.

for everyone it’s different though. losing the battle with your problems that is.
as for me, i’ve finally hit the water. like sharks surrounding an injured seal, life and all the flaws speckled upon it has finally caught up to me. waiting for the perfect moment to strike, i sit in calmness and accept what this dose of reality has set out for me. 

the first to go is my temporarily enlightened heart. i’m going to miss the blissfulness it possessed. after that, it just won’t matter anymore. destined to be pulled down in the darkness with the rest of you heartbroken bastards until our lifeless bodies resurface. 

temporary life. momentary death. the cycle never ends. 


lacey renee walls. 

 

trial and error.

for years i never stopped and thought about what i really wanted out of a relationship or what i longed for in another. i’ve dated the sweetest of guys and the biggest douche bags.. a broad spectrum of loves that just failed over and over. i’ve never been completely content with another but i realized that the problem was in myself. i wasn’t happy with many aspects of my life and i was completely lost in this crazy ass world… but i have finally found myself. i know exactly who i am, what i believe, where i want to go and how i’m going to get there. 

i know i’m not ready for a specific commitment. i’m 20 years old and need to live alone and experience that limitless freedom. if i just so happen to cross paths with that perfect person for me, of course i’ll add them to the equation, but i shall not become hopeful. regrets are only a thing of the past. 

i find myself daydreaming about my match made in paradise. someone that can sing to me when i’m down and i’m able to get lost in their voice. someone who shares and tolerates my erratic taste in musical preference. i need someone whom i can impose my writings upon and they actually take complete interest in. i need someone who can catch and hold my attention; who can keep me on my toes.

excitement is a key ingredient and without it our relationship would be bland. spontaneous trips and events would happen monthly. a love of nature and animals is a passion we’d share and my family would be just as important as theirs. an involvement in spirituality is a quality i’d love immensely. but of all things, a calming factor to ease my soul is one thing i’ll always be searching for. a love for me to cherish.. i’ll be ever so patient. 

my goal is to not settle until i find the one who proves true to my heart. i refuse to develop a relationship my mind knows will fail. no wishful thinking, no hopes to be raised only to fall just as fast. a promise to myself and to the one i’ll end up with.. i await your embrace; no other will distract. 

til then, i’ll be lost in wonderland. 

lacey renee walls.

the story unfolds.

when life turns it’s back on you,
turn to your mind and your thoughts.

i feel like the world has turned it’s back on me. or maybe it was God. whoever is supposed to be watching over our poor souls simply forgot about me and that is as clear as day. maybe i should have seen it coming but sorry for not being prepared. i guess this is the moment my dad always talked about. i’m either gonna sink or swim, and right now i’m fighting for air. last night i was laying in a bed that was not mine, and a mother was trying to tend to my sickness, yet she was not mine. the life that i have been living doesn’t belong to me.

i think i figured out what is wrong with me, or my “life”. it’s the simple fact that it does not belong to me. i am clueless as to why i was put on the face of this earth and i’m completely oblivious to how i am supposed to turn out. it feels as though i was nothing more than a mere mistake. i feel like i don’t belong in the family i was placed and i never have. i’ve always been different from them as well as my peers. but when it comes to finding myself, or my place in this world, i am lost. i’m at a cross road, but instead of three or four, i have millions. Looking every which way trying to figure out which path to take and which is the best for me. how am i supposed to know what is best for me? why do i have these feelings in the first place? i mean if i belonged where i am, wouldn’t i know it?

questions. questions, questions, and more questions.
yet there are no answers. i have yet to see even a glimpse of one.

i’m failing. i’m falling. i’m fading. i’m trying to find a way through this. something simple, something easy. but the only thing that can grab hold of my attention are the words of another. lyrics that embrace me with hope and familiarity.

“can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? i can really use a wish right now.”

talk about the theme song to my life.

this is what hardships feel like.. everyday living by the skin of your teeth. waking up in the morning and wishing you hadn’t. having to go through the day wondering where you are gonna go next, and no matter how bad you long to go to that building you used to call home you have to wonder whether there is someone there that is glad to see you gone. 

a couple of months ago, i would have been strong and been able to go through the day with my head held high. no tears in my eyes and no glimpse hurt in my heart. 

but i break down every time i get a chance alone. it’s like my tears are going to wash all the pain away; drown the heartache and bring my hopes afloat but instead i’m simply weakening. 

hopefully someday i’ll be able to look past the bad and embrace the good. someday.

today? i do not see it happening. 

i’m just dragging my flesh covered cage around. much like a lioness carries her fresh kill around until she has no more use for it, then leaves it for scavengers. 

maybe that is what my life plan was all along; to drag through life. 

just another bum, sorry excuse for a life. waste of space. whatever.

i can not help myself right now, not with the state that i am in. i hope it passes and i am capable to overcome my weakness and fast or i’ll be nothing more but a mere memory. how i leave this body is a mystery. sad to say i haven’t imagined myself living past mid 20s. depressing. sickening. upsetting. yes. will it change? i doubt it.

but the more i look at it, the more i realize i have to step out of this state of mind, grab hold of life and live it to the fullest. at least go out with a bang. as much of a bang as i can. 

i don’t want to be that person that is forgotten in a matter of months. i want to be remembered for life. for their’s, however long that may be. 

stuck at my many crossroads. decisions to be made.

from here on out, no more pointing fingers for where i am now at. this is what I am choosing for myself.

until it feels right, i shall do anything and everything to chose my own path. 
i’m tired of being told where to go and what to do with my life. 
that’s exactly what it is. MY LIFE. now it’s in my hands.
keep me in your prayers, or whatever it is that people do.

my journey now begins.

“i could really use a wish right now.”

lacey walls.

pretty little lie.

LOVE. ew. I seem to despise the sight of that lingering four letter word anymore. The meaning, the purpose, the strength of it.. all makes me sick.

[On a family level it is necessary to be told to one another. For what reason though? They deserve your love simply because our blood is somehow tied up together even though they have nothing to do with you? They never call, barely remember your name, don’t give a fuck whether you are down on your knees begging the world to lift her vicious weights off your back.. nah, that’s not right. Mom, dad, sister, brother, etc. That’s automatic of course. Well in some cases it is, but the rest should have to earn your “love”.]

What about on a romantic level? Ew times two. Maybe three, I’m not sure, but what the fuck is LOVE anyways? In my opinion, it is a fictitious emotion that was created by women to be able to grab hold of, control, and manipulate men into doing whatever they want, whenever they want and how exactly they want it to be done. AWESOME, if you are a girl. I guess.. but women are hypocrites. ON THE REAL. Talking about how they feel about this guy, only to turn around and be all over another guy [cause secretly he has a bigger dick]. Oops. Well I’ve played the game before. I was a star athlete. HA. I know the rules, regulations, and exceptions. I know my opponents and every move they are about to make. It’s all so easy to figure out. GUYS, you think you are bad ass because you have girls lined up, when really you are just another number in their line, they are just more discreet about it. Trust. Don’t be silly and fall for a lie. That’s all love is anyways.